One Direction - Still The One
Dakarai Molokomme, a 15-year-old starving child from a small village in Zimbabwe, has just told Madonna, one of the most famous pop stars in the world, to go and f*** herself, the local media are reporting exclusively.
“Yes, it’s true, I told Madonna to go f*** herself. Do you want to know why?” Dakarai asked. “It’s the same thing every time with these snobby rich Americans. Every once in a while they come to show us their support for the so-called eradication of poverty by adopting a child from a starving family, but they actually do more harm than good. Transracial international adoptions are part of the white savior industrial complex,” Dakarai explained.
In further discussions with journalists from the media, the kid stated that “none of the children here actually want to be taken away from their family and friends so they can be displayed as some kind of trophy in the homes of self-righteous singers or actors who want to score some points with the media and Oprah.”
“If they really want to help us, they should get Big Pharma to ship us some anti-retroviral drugs for the AIDS epidemic, or build schools and hospitals. If they don’t want to do that, then they can all go f** themselves!” the child told reporters.
The 15-year-old also stated that he would say the same thing to any one of those American or European “faux humanitarian posers”, except for Bono, whom he said he would also kick in the groin.
“Bono’s efforts to save the African savage from itself prove that the colonial imperative is alive and well,” Dakarai said as he walked with other village children collecting sticks to build a tree fort.
THIS IS THE RAWEST 15 YEAR OLD ALIVE
Why? Well, it’s all part of a massive conspiracy to keep 1D singers Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson trapped in the closet, unable to publicly express their true feelings for each other.
Of course, there’s no real evidence to support any of this, but that hasn’t stopped certain sections of 1D fandom freaking out all over Twitter. The disappearance of “David Shomen” is just the latest installment in a never-ending series of 1D-related conspiracy theories.
David was just a normal guy with a Twitter account: @dshomen. Last night he (supposedly) saw Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson together in L.A. Or rather, he saw Harry Styles with a guy with brown hair and tattoos, who may have been Louis Tomlinson. Then his Twitter account was suspended. The end.
At this point, you may be wondering why this relatively banal celebrity encounter is such a big deal. To the untrained eye, it’s just a case of some guy seeing Harry Styles in the street. But to a Larry Stylinson fan, this kind of thing takes on a whole new layer of hidden meaning. As one Tumblr user put it, “RED ALERT.”
Most boy bands inspire a certain amount of homoerotic fanfic, but instead of just writing fanfiction about Harry and Louis falling in love, a surprising number of Larry Stylinson shippers believe that the two singers are dating for real. Their relationship is simply being covered up by 1D’s management company, Modest Management, and Tomlinson’s longtime girlfriend Eleanor Calder is a beard who is contracted to accompany him to public appearances.
The only possible explanation for David Shomen’s suspended Twitter account was that he had stumbled upon a secret Larry Stylinson date, and then Modest Management silenced him.
she is just beautiful!
what am i supposed to love??? briefcases???
Reunited…and it feels so good! #Wienermobile #holdonweregoinhome
this is my only hypothesis
Sorry, just wanted to say that line because IT IS SO TERRIBAD/AMAZING
haha, its fine, i should have known that’d be the first thing you’d say
yes. it was a very great answer.
…though you really should have said the yellow hairdo. XD